Common mistake..........locking your keys in your car...........everyone does it atleast once right.......well why is it that when i happen to lock my keys in my car, and the person who happens to have the extra key is my mother she throws a huge fit like a damn two year old about bringing me my damn spare key. Seriously it is my key you should have put it where my father puts em for every other car i have owned. Seriously dont get pissed off at me cause you didnt do what you should have and i just happend to lock myself out of my car, while the stereo is on. So to everyone out there dont get pissed when you have something of someone elses when they ask u to bring it to them.



Thought of the day: FTW

Questions.....

Why is it no matter how hard i try i either seem to feel like everyone hates me or that I am just the odd woman out. I mean seriously i have friends that i should fit right in with but i dont feel i do. I dont know if it is just me and all of this IF stuff that is making me feel this way but im so tired of trying to act like i belong with everyone else when i honestly dont feel like i dont belong in any circle of people, just the regular old outcast that no one wants to associate with. I dont know sometimes i feel like i should just give up trying to have a child and just leave things alone and be happy im alive but that doesnt even seem good enough now, i feel like everytime i try to do something good for myself someone else has to knock me back on my ass. I am tired of always being knocked on my ass. I am seriously saying FUCK IT to anyone who does not believe in me and doesnt want to support my choices.

That is all i have to say for today. I might be back tomorrow or never again who knows

more drama?

Alright so i havent posted in a few days, but i got a car :D a 97 monte carlo, and im loving it. well the thing is of course, my brother didnt get to pick out my car for me so he is all pissed off at my mom and me for going to get the car. because it isnt something that he can drive and go muddin with or put his little one person boat ontop of so i can take it whereever he wants OOOPPS oh freaking well it was my money so my choice in cars right? I mean was i wrong for wanting a car that wasnt all of my money? seriously i only have 465 left of the 2000 i had, because of everything that i had to get for the car, i got the oil changed, im getting my cd player put in today at 3, and i got winshield wipers cause the ones on there were crap,, new spark plugs, lol and soon, more like in feb, i will be getting the body fixed and painted so you cant tell someone ditched it lol it doesnt look bad but there is rust on it so i dont like that and i will pay with my own money again to get that taken care of so i dont get why my brother has to be a little bitch about things. Now on the good note im happy :D and my progesterone blood test results came back yesterday. dr said that it was up to 4 so he is going to test again on monday and see where it is at and go from there so we will see i guess, fingers crossed everyone that this month worked for me cause idk about anyone else going through IF, (ok well i do) but this shit is stressful and OMG. lol ok that is all i have to say for now, i may update more later who knows, but had to buy a new diaperbag pattern due to somehow lost not only the instructions but some of the freaking pieces wtf how did that happen? who knows but that will be ordered today to finish these ones for my "long lost sister" :) u know who you are lol will update later or tomorrow :D ttyl everyone

why does it seem like no matter how i try to be independant it always blows up in my face and i end up having to depend on someone else to do soemthing or go somewhere? then to top it off the only time that my man wants to do anything or go anywhere with me is when he is getting something out of it like, a new video game or soemthing else like that, i am so freaking sick and tired of this all the time, i want a car, and i want to finish school so i can get a job, move out and never look back!!!!! i dont know that if my hormones are making me freaking crazy or if i am finally getting fed up with the bullshit of my life and everything that goes along with it. I am done with people and i am done depending on people, i am getting this car today and hopefully i will beable to get out on my own before i graduate college!!!!!!!!!!11

car issues

Alright so yesterday, well officially Thursday night, my dad took me to go look at a car a grand am -  and it was a POS. So i have now decided that i am not going to buy a car until February :D going to keep driving moms car until i get my next student loan refund and then i am going to spend all of it on a car. I am saving back the 2100 i have in the bank and then the 560 my parents have of my money so right there is 2660 and then i should get about 4300 back depending on how much i need to buy for next semester, so all together i should have about 6960 which i figure i can find a decent car for about 4000 hopefully. but the most i am going to spend is 4500 on a car and go from there. :D fingers crossed that i can actually save the money from this student loan until next time, i mean i want to spend the money that is a givin it is burning a freaking hole in my pocket. my card keeps saying spend me spend me spend me lol lets pray that i can save it, the other issue is, since i did get positive OPK's for the past two days i may end up pregnant this month which would be a blessing :D and if that happens then i may have to spend the money on things i need for the baby so who knows where this is going to go. I may end up not getting a car for quite a while, and i mean its not like i mind driving their cars because lets admit, on my own i would not be driving a 2011 suv lol. I filled up the tank on my moms CR-V the other day and it took 45 dollars. Not bad if you ask me. I had planned on filling up the tank on my parents pick up but they both found out and wont allow me to drive it now :( i wanted to do someething nice for them and they dont want that. I honestly dont understand my family sometimes. However, i am still in the mood that i dont really care and i am going to do what i have to do to get where i need to be. So planning on doing HPT on 09/28 and if neg doing it again on 10/02 if that is negitive also then i will do my 3rd round of clomid this time 150mg and pray that i ovulate, because with the way things are going i am going to end up being due right at the beginning of school if i am not careful and i do not want to go to school for a week or two then have to miss time because i had a baby. that is why i want a may, june or july baby. ok well that is my rant for the day. I hope everyone that reads my blog is enjoying my blog. :D

Thought for the day.
Once you get something you have wanted dont forget how it felt to work so hard to achieve it. Also dont throw it in other peoples faces, you most likely didnt like it when you were working for your dream so dont do it to others working toward their dreams.

Seriously?

Ok, so 4am right? lol well it is while im writing this, I am studying my psychology, not making much noise at all, then all of the sudden my mom calls and leaves me a message saying that i need to be asleep so i can get up on time and go to school, then that if my Dh is going to stay up all night then he needs to get a job. Seriously wtf? you call at 4a of course im going to be awake because you called. even if i werent already up studying i would wake up due to the phone call, HELLO CELL PHONE RING TONE ANNOYING!!!!! Made it that way so i can use it as an alarm clock and actually wake up for classes. Alarm set 6:45am wake up usually first go round of it no issues. Seriously though, who in their right freaking mind calls someone at 4a if they are awake or not it is just common curtesy not to call people past a certian hour......atleast that is with my mom always told me....so why the F*** is she the one calling me at 4? lol this makes no sense to me but i thought i would vent this out instead of bottling it up, due to in psychology i am learning all the damage stress can do to someone and i honestly dont want that to happen to me. Granted i do already have the hypertension, and a slight depression, but hypertension runs in my family....i was bound to be cursed with it, why not im cursed with everything else my family has. My father mainly. He has stenosis, i was diagnosed in March 2009 with stenosis. He has kidney stones regularly, this past July, i had a 15mm kidney stone that coulda killed me if i wouldnt have got fed up with the pain. had to endure like a month and a half more pain due to the stint that they put in but that was better than the kidney stone its self stuck in the tube between my kidney and bladder. Both parents however have hypertension. my brother is lucky doesnt have hypertension, or stenosis, or kidney stones, and honestly i dont wish any of it upon him. No matter how much of a douche bag he can be. Oh and i believe miscarriages are genetic also, due to the fact that my grandmother had a miscarriage, my mother had a miscarriage, and in January i had a miscarriage. who knows, however, i do know that PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) is genetic, if a family member has it there is a good possiblility you will have it. I am almost positive my mother has it but it is hard to diagnose, most women only get diagnosed when they are having issues getting pregnant. I think that is funny because i was diagnosed at the age of 15 when all i wanted to do is have fun and be a kid. But no December 26, 2002 had my left ovary and left fallopian tube removed due to an ovarian mass that weighted in at 6.5lbs, and was the size of a basketball. I would have never found out about it if it werent leaning on my left kidney which is already smaller than it is supposed to be. the pain from it was so bad that i would go to school in the morning and by 2nd or 3rd period i would be in tears and have to go home.  I honestly dont wish this on my worst enemy. same with the IF i wouldnt wish it upon anyone. It is the most stressful thing to go through, and stress isnt good for you when you are having IF issues and trying to conceive. Im not sure what I was thinking when i decided to get a doctors help while being a full-time college student and not working but, i dont want to wait until im older and not have a chance at all to have a baby. The way i look at it seize the moment, Live your life to the fullest, and even as a child i have wanted to be a mom, I have helped friends raise their kids and i would like to beable to raise my own child for it. My niece, Chloe, she is my pride and joy, she has a piece of shit for a mother that doesnt even know the size of shoes her child wears, same with clothes, they are either way to big or way way to small. Granted for her age she is HUGE, and i dont mean puggie, she is Tall as shit, she seriously looks to be like 7-8 years old and she is 5 its funny sometimes. I feel that some people should have to get a lisense to have children, like my nieces mother, 3 children, 3 different fathers, 5 or 6 different pregnancies (the extra 2 or 3 ended in abortion), and she does it for the state assistance and the child support. It seems like she sneezes and she is pregnant, she was pregnant twice by my brother alone, but only delivered one child because she decided she wanted to have an abortion. Which I am against, not 100% but 95% of the time i am against it, i feel there are certian times that you should beable to get one but then there are the times when you are dumb and didnt use protection or birth control of any sort and you get prengnant than you should be mature enough to take care of it. Sex is an adult thing, not for children, but if children decide they want to do adult things then they should be adult enough to take care of the child when it is born! Sorry my soapbox, i dont understand how people do the things they do sometimes, and honestly if you cant take care of the baby then give it up for adoption there are many people in the united states that want children that cannot have children that would be willing to adopt a baby from someone and give it the best live they can. Ok i am going to end this post before i really piss some people off :D

Thought of the day:
Do you before you can do anyone else. Once you are happy then you can think about others more.

Not sure whats going on

Ok so as i stated yesterday got the news from my doctor that i didnt ovulate this month. I guess the devestation from that and the stress of IF finally got to me and i decided i didnt want to get out of bed this morning, i slept until 1130a, missed my first two classes, when i finally woke up i had to throw clothes on and leave to go to algebra lol. Now im honestly just feel like i am in a tornado and dont know when i am finally going to beable to touch the ground again. I really just wish things could be normal, which i guess there really is no such thing as normal but i try. I mean why does it seem so easy for some people to get pregnant, as my mom said last night some people can cross their eyes wrong and get pregnant. It just seems like everything i do i cant. It also seems like everywhere i go i see either someone who is pregnant or someone that just had a baby, i left the mall today almost in tears because of it. I went there to do some shopping to get some new ear rings and i guess i shouldnt have because that was horrible. not sure what else to say, i just kinda wanna curl up in a ball and go to sleep.

So hard to say goodbye

So had bloodwork done this morning, I knew not to get my hopes up but it is so darn hard not to. This whole IF process is starting to get to me, seriously making me want to rip my hair out. ok so back to Test results, blood work done in August came back 0.6, really bad no way in hell could ovulate with that low of progesterone, blood work done today came back 1.3. So no ovulating for me this month. I honestly dont cry, and because i let myself get my hopes up today I cried the whole way home which was like a 30 min drive from where i was at. it sucked so bad. It doesnt help that it seems so easy for others to get pregnant, I mean I do have good friends going through the IF process with me but it is still hard and i still feel alone, all i want to do right now is curl up in a ball and cry, of course my man isnt awake so i cant even break the news to him, I am just at a loss, and i was really hoping that this was the month, i dont want to have a June baby, lol I dont want to have to share a month between my niece and my baby lol, weird i know but its how i am. It also doesnt help that the miscarriage i had in January, the baby was due 5 days from now, so i have the realization that this is the time where i would  be huge and ready to have this whole pregnancy over, to your not pregnant and your not going to get pregnant this cycle. :( My doctor is great though, he knows what he is doing and is helping me out the little that he can, I mean its not like he can give me some magical pill that poof your pregnant, damn that would be nice lol. Poof all my problems are gone, can someone somewhere please make me a poof pill, something that makes all my dreams come true? So plans for next cycle, gonna do 150mg fingers crossed and praying to god that this one works cause it is wearing on me and honestly i dont know how much more i can take. If clomid 150mg doesnt work Dr said that he will switch to femara, which i have been told by many women that works for women with pcos that clomid didnt work for, i honestly didnt want to have to even go to 150mg of clomid, let alone a different drug i havent even researched yet. I am lost in a world of pregnant women and babies, and i dont know what to do to stop sticking out and finally be part of the "in crowd (the pregnant or women with children)" my friend Hope said how she is always told to enjoy not having her period, and people tell me that all the time, yea it was fun for a while, cause i absolutely hate going places at that time of the month, but honestly i would rather have it and know maybe next month, rather than not have it and find out yea you didnt even ovulate so your not pregnant, so tired of doing hpt and bw and all the crap, i just want my poof pill. lol I thought I would let who ever reads this know how my day was going :( and all of that. so i guess i shall study til i cant study anymore,

Thought of the day.

Goals are like learning to ride a bike, if at first you dont succeed, try and try again until you succeed. to all of my IF ladies out there reading this, you all are in my heart and i wish you all luck with getting the baby you want one day. :)

a better day

Alright so today i actually woke up with my alarm clock, didnt expect that due to didnt go to bed until late, working on a diaperbag design for a good friend :), but classes were long and i have no clue why but i have been exhausted all day, i about fell asleep in a few of my classes and i dont believe it is because i didnt get much sleep because i am used to not sleeping much. fingers crossed that the clomid this month did its job and that my being tired is due to me being pregnant:) we will hope. However, with the help of a friend i have been thinking about starting a business to help pay for things during college, which would be wonderful because we all know how expensive college is getting, and i have another few years left to go :( i figure i will be doing summer classes to help get it done quicker. With that i will get school done maybe a year to a year and a half early but im not completely sure. I know that I am going to be saving my money just incase i dont get financial aid during the summer, which i dont believe i will. However, I am getting my first student loan payment on friday, well it will be released thursday at 4pm. so maybe thursday night, but who knows, I have the cutest idea in my head for my friend Hope's diaperbag and i hope she really loves it, I mean im sure she will because i cant get the picture out of my mind, lol idk if i will want to give it to her lol, but i will. but i thought i would get everything that happend today written down, so if anyone actually reads this they know what is going on in my life :)

Thanks for reading.

My quote of the day.

Live as you want, not as someone else wants you to.

What a month/ little release from the past.

When everything seems like it is going ok it seems to change, I mean I was starting school again, have a great man, everything seemed perfect. Well that did not last long, the car I was driving decided it wanted to break down, go figure right only owned it for 3 years and it decided to kick the bucket. Well since then I havent been able to do to much. I did start school, had to drop my chemistry class due to also taking Biology, Algebra, and Psychology. Couldnt keep up with all of them, but for me to get to school I have to borrow my mothers car or my fathers pickup. It sucks though, I junked my car and got 425 from it. ok not to bad I guess. However you would think with me being 24 years old I would beable to choose the car I want. Found a great car, but of course my father and brother have to chime in..."oh that is going to be cold in the winter, you dont need a convertible." Yes I live in Iowa, yes it snows, that is what the car manufactorers made heaters for right? So that your car isnt cold during the winter? So go from there, find a few more cars, of course my father doesnt like any of them. It is my own money I honestly dont understand why I cant spend it the way I want, it is comming from my student loans that I am going to have to pay back. Yesterday I found the ugliest car but my father was ok with it, it was $900, not to bad already have $560 mom would loan me the rest until Thursday. Well you would think ok good she got a car, well you would be thinking wrong, I wasnt allowed to take my fathers truck to go look at the car by myself. My parents were out camping with my niece, so my father told me to have my brother go with me. Well of course he would rather sleep then help his little sister out in finding a car so I can regain some of my independance. I dont know if they just dont want me to be independant or what.....I mean the reason I am going back to school is to make my parents happy. Nursing, I get sick at the sight of blood. I mean not to be gross but even my own period makes me sick. However, I am going to school to become an RN. Due to the 2 year waitlist though I also am getting my Accounting degree while waiting. Ok not to bad I guess 2 degrees and both will possible bring in a decent income in the future. However I honestly would rather do nails, but of course because my mother went to cosmetology school that is a bad choice now that she has been working at Wal Mart for the past 15 years. So that was thrown out before I could even try. I was angry the other day at all of the drama going on in my life I posted on FB about it and friends asked me about my school situation, and I told them the truth. Well of course both my parents read my post and informed me yesterday that they didnt stop me from going to become a nail tech. I am honestly just lost and I have no clue what to do. I dont want to offend anyone by saying this but I have to get all of this out or I will probably snap. I love my family I do but I can only handle so much. I am tired of being told that I'm the glue that holds everything together if i were to leave then my brother would take over everything. I am tired of worrying about if I leave what is going to happen. I moved out once back in Dec 2007, it lasted until August of 2008 when I ended up moving back home because the man that I was supposed to be getting married to broke my heart and stomped on it. To top all of this stuff off, my fiance and I want to start a family and I am having issues with that. Life just sucks. Sometimes I truly wish I was never born, but I know I was put here for a purpose and I will do my best to figure out what that purpose is. For a while I had the ambition to go back to school to become a Family Practice Attorney, to help fathers and mothers fighting for custody of their children. I mean I have been through a custody battle before with a great friend of mine, and he won. So I guess to sum all of this up I am honestly lost and dont know what to do or where to go from here. I am a student with no car and a unknown future. I am 24 years old and not like anyone in my family. I sometimes think I am in the wrong decade. Who knows I guess we will have to see where things go from here.