So hard to say goodbye

So had bloodwork done this morning, I knew not to get my hopes up but it is so darn hard not to. This whole IF process is starting to get to me, seriously making me want to rip my hair out. ok so back to Test results, blood work done in August came back 0.6, really bad no way in hell could ovulate with that low of progesterone, blood work done today came back 1.3. So no ovulating for me this month. I honestly dont cry, and because i let myself get my hopes up today I cried the whole way home which was like a 30 min drive from where i was at. it sucked so bad. It doesnt help that it seems so easy for others to get pregnant, I mean I do have good friends going through the IF process with me but it is still hard and i still feel alone, all i want to do right now is curl up in a ball and cry, of course my man isnt awake so i cant even break the news to him, I am just at a loss, and i was really hoping that this was the month, i dont want to have a June baby, lol I dont want to have to share a month between my niece and my baby lol, weird i know but its how i am. It also doesnt help that the miscarriage i had in January, the baby was due 5 days from now, so i have the realization that this is the time where i would  be huge and ready to have this whole pregnancy over, to your not pregnant and your not going to get pregnant this cycle. :( My doctor is great though, he knows what he is doing and is helping me out the little that he can, I mean its not like he can give me some magical pill that poof your pregnant, damn that would be nice lol. Poof all my problems are gone, can someone somewhere please make me a poof pill, something that makes all my dreams come true? So plans for next cycle, gonna do 150mg fingers crossed and praying to god that this one works cause it is wearing on me and honestly i dont know how much more i can take. If clomid 150mg doesnt work Dr said that he will switch to femara, which i have been told by many women that works for women with pcos that clomid didnt work for, i honestly didnt want to have to even go to 150mg of clomid, let alone a different drug i havent even researched yet. I am lost in a world of pregnant women and babies, and i dont know what to do to stop sticking out and finally be part of the "in crowd (the pregnant or women with children)" my friend Hope said how she is always told to enjoy not having her period, and people tell me that all the time, yea it was fun for a while, cause i absolutely hate going places at that time of the month, but honestly i would rather have it and know maybe next month, rather than not have it and find out yea you didnt even ovulate so your not pregnant, so tired of doing hpt and bw and all the crap, i just want my poof pill. lol I thought I would let who ever reads this know how my day was going :( and all of that. so i guess i shall study til i cant study anymore,

Thought of the day.

Goals are like learning to ride a bike, if at first you dont succeed, try and try again until you succeed. to all of my IF ladies out there reading this, you all are in my heart and i wish you all luck with getting the baby you want one day. :)

a better day

Alright so today i actually woke up with my alarm clock, didnt expect that due to didnt go to bed until late, working on a diaperbag design for a good friend :), but classes were long and i have no clue why but i have been exhausted all day, i about fell asleep in a few of my classes and i dont believe it is because i didnt get much sleep because i am used to not sleeping much. fingers crossed that the clomid this month did its job and that my being tired is due to me being pregnant:) we will hope. However, with the help of a friend i have been thinking about starting a business to help pay for things during college, which would be wonderful because we all know how expensive college is getting, and i have another few years left to go :( i figure i will be doing summer classes to help get it done quicker. With that i will get school done maybe a year to a year and a half early but im not completely sure. I know that I am going to be saving my money just incase i dont get financial aid during the summer, which i dont believe i will. However, I am getting my first student loan payment on friday, well it will be released thursday at 4pm. so maybe thursday night, but who knows, I have the cutest idea in my head for my friend Hope's diaperbag and i hope she really loves it, I mean im sure she will because i cant get the picture out of my mind, lol idk if i will want to give it to her lol, but i will. but i thought i would get everything that happend today written down, so if anyone actually reads this they know what is going on in my life :)

Thanks for reading.

My quote of the day.

Live as you want, not as someone else wants you to.

What a month/ little release from the past.

When everything seems like it is going ok it seems to change, I mean I was starting school again, have a great man, everything seemed perfect. Well that did not last long, the car I was driving decided it wanted to break down, go figure right only owned it for 3 years and it decided to kick the bucket. Well since then I havent been able to do to much. I did start school, had to drop my chemistry class due to also taking Biology, Algebra, and Psychology. Couldnt keep up with all of them, but for me to get to school I have to borrow my mothers car or my fathers pickup. It sucks though, I junked my car and got 425 from it. ok not to bad I guess. However you would think with me being 24 years old I would beable to choose the car I want. Found a great car, but of course my father and brother have to chime in..."oh that is going to be cold in the winter, you dont need a convertible." Yes I live in Iowa, yes it snows, that is what the car manufactorers made heaters for right? So that your car isnt cold during the winter? So go from there, find a few more cars, of course my father doesnt like any of them. It is my own money I honestly dont understand why I cant spend it the way I want, it is comming from my student loans that I am going to have to pay back. Yesterday I found the ugliest car but my father was ok with it, it was $900, not to bad already have $560 mom would loan me the rest until Thursday. Well you would think ok good she got a car, well you would be thinking wrong, I wasnt allowed to take my fathers truck to go look at the car by myself. My parents were out camping with my niece, so my father told me to have my brother go with me. Well of course he would rather sleep then help his little sister out in finding a car so I can regain some of my independance. I dont know if they just dont want me to be independant or what.....I mean the reason I am going back to school is to make my parents happy. Nursing, I get sick at the sight of blood. I mean not to be gross but even my own period makes me sick. However, I am going to school to become an RN. Due to the 2 year waitlist though I also am getting my Accounting degree while waiting. Ok not to bad I guess 2 degrees and both will possible bring in a decent income in the future. However I honestly would rather do nails, but of course because my mother went to cosmetology school that is a bad choice now that she has been working at Wal Mart for the past 15 years. So that was thrown out before I could even try. I was angry the other day at all of the drama going on in my life I posted on FB about it and friends asked me about my school situation, and I told them the truth. Well of course both my parents read my post and informed me yesterday that they didnt stop me from going to become a nail tech. I am honestly just lost and I have no clue what to do. I dont want to offend anyone by saying this but I have to get all of this out or I will probably snap. I love my family I do but I can only handle so much. I am tired of being told that I'm the glue that holds everything together if i were to leave then my brother would take over everything. I am tired of worrying about if I leave what is going to happen. I moved out once back in Dec 2007, it lasted until August of 2008 when I ended up moving back home because the man that I was supposed to be getting married to broke my heart and stomped on it. To top all of this stuff off, my fiance and I want to start a family and I am having issues with that. Life just sucks. Sometimes I truly wish I was never born, but I know I was put here for a purpose and I will do my best to figure out what that purpose is. For a while I had the ambition to go back to school to become a Family Practice Attorney, to help fathers and mothers fighting for custody of their children. I mean I have been through a custody battle before with a great friend of mine, and he won. So I guess to sum all of this up I am honestly lost and dont know what to do or where to go from here. I am a student with no car and a unknown future. I am 24 years old and not like anyone in my family. I sometimes think I am in the wrong decade. Who knows I guess we will have to see where things go from here.